The lecture from hell

I was reminded of a paper that I published a long time ago – 23 years to be precise. It is entitled THE LECTURE FROM HELL.  As it is not available online, let me give you a slightly revised version of it here:

When it comes to giving lectures, I have certainly made every mistake there is, and therefore I consider myself qualified to write this personal account on how to deliver THE LECTURE FROM HELL. I do this in the hope that others might learn from my imperfections.

In preparing for a lecture, it is best to be cool and leave things to the last minute. You are so gifted and competent that a few scribbles made on the way to the venue will easily suffice for fascinating your audience. Don’t bother enquiring who they are; what you have to say will capture the attention of a lay audience as much as that of a highly specialised one.

The kind people who have invited you will certainly have suggested a topic. Don’t get irritated by that; you know best what you can and want to talk about and, after all, it is always best to stick to what you know. If your subject is palliative cancer care, for instance, it should not be too difficult, after a few introductory sentences, to shift the attention to the most revealing survey you conducted on 10 back pain patients 25 years ago – cancer patients suffer from back pain too!

From the outset, you need to show the audience that you are better than they are. A good way of achieving this aim is to display your knowledge of as many acronyms as possible. Making abundant use of abbreviations has the added advantage that it could hide a few glitches in your arguments (or spelling). People might even think you are talking about palliative care after all.

Another golden rule is never produce evidence for your statements. Some people use visual aids to produce the evidence, but this is both tiring and confusing (and it would, of course, require much more preparation than you allowed for). If you want to use visual aids, use photographs of your kids (pets if you are childless) or your last holiday in Corfu. This will add the personal touch that people crave. Surely, if they had wanted evidence they would have gone to a library, not to your lecture.

It is advisable to spend as much time as possible with lengthy preliminaries, particularly if you are not really covering the subject as printed in the programme. Mention that you first met Cathy (who just introduced you) when you were both in nursery and give a full and colourful account of your relationship since then. If you haven’t actually been to nursery with Cathy, perhaps you could talk about the car accident you saw en route and what it made you think of. Or you could take the holistic approach, ask everyone to stand up, do a few relaxation exercises and feel the flow of energy in the body, room or universe. The obvious aim is to leave as little time as possible for the proper lecture. Thus, you can pretend to know much more about your subject than you had time to disclose and you can end your unfinished lecture with the upbeat exclamation ‘‘yeah! perhaps another time’’.

Most lecturers find the ensuing discussion period the most challenging part of their task. Not you! First, you have wisely ensured that there is no time left. Thus, the discussion slot will either be completely cancelled or it will be refreshingly brief. When the first difficult question comes your way, remember the important principle: you are so much cleverer than anyone else in this room! Make sure you show it. Arrogance has always been a perfect shield for hiding incompetence.

Another good strategy is to ridicule the person who dared ask the awkward question. Thus, they end up with egg on their face instead of you. If all else fails and you really don’t know how to answer, the best approach is to say: ‘‘this is a bit too complex right now; perhaps I could explain this to you later over coffee’’. Just ensure that you are safely on the way home when the coffee break starts.

Generally speaking, the overriding principles of a truly diabolically bad talk are quite simple. Lectures are neither the time nor place for transmitting knowledge to those who came to listen. Their predominant purpose is to massage the lecturer’s ego and increase their income. If you keep this in mind, you will stop worrying about things like evidence, structure and delivery and simply enjoy the outing.

I was reminded of this article because I saw the title of a recently published paper: HOW TO GIVE A BAD TALK. It starts as follows: “It is crucial to know how to communicate your work by delivering an effective talk, but our training for doing so is limited, so it is a skill often learned by watching others — who sometimes do it badly”.

Sadly, I could not read on; the journal asked almost 30 Euros for the privilege! So, I will never know what else I can do to give a truly poor lecture. Yet, I did learn something important: the knowledge of how to give a bad talk does not always come cheap!