MD, PhD, FMedSci, FRSB, FRCP, FRCPEd.

Vaccinations lead to masturbation! This surprising claim comes from Zita Schwyter, a Swiss anti-vaxxer, and practitioner of so-called alternative medicine (SCAM). Is there any evidence for a link? The only evidence I could find seems to suggest that the causal link (if there is one) goes in the opposite direction: “Women engaging in mutual masturbation were nearly two times more likely to decline the free vaccine.

In her practice, Schwyter offers homeopathic treatments, hara massage, “vaccination consultations”, quantum medicine, ‘Matrix Energetics’, colon cleansing, and other SCAMs. Schwyter claims that vaccinations cause “vaccination disease” with symptoms such as sleep disorders, dyslexia, stuttering, autism, brain tumors, the tendency to masturbate, allergic reactions, cancer, swelling and redness at the injection site, or aching limbs. According to Zita Schwyter, chronic diseases and autoimmune diseases have only been on the rise since vaccination was introduced, and that, according to her fallacious thinking, implies a causal relationship.

On the website of her practice, Schwyter tells us that “Fühlen Sie sich in guten Händen und vertrauen Sie Ihre Gesundheit der ganzheitlichen Gemeinschaftspraxis vor Ort an. Ein professionelles Therapeutenteam mit einem fundierten Fachwissen, jahrelangen Ausbildungen und weitreichenden Erfahrungen erwartet Sie.”  (Feel in good hands and entrust your health to the holistic group practice on site. A professional team of therapists with in-depth expertise, years of training and extensive experience awaits you.) And elsewhere, she states that “Durch meine berufliche Laufbahn verstehe ich mich deshalb als kompetentes Bindeglied zwischen Schulmedizin und Naturheilkunde, spezialisiert auf dem Gebiet der Homöopathie. Die richtige Person also, die Ihre Beschwerden ganzheitlich erfassen, richtig interpretieren und Sie mit dem angemessenen Behandlungskonzept zu besserer Gesundheit führen kann.” (Through my professional career, I therefore see myself as a competent link between conventional medicine and naturopathy, specializing in the field of homeopathy. The right person, therefore, who can grasp your complaints holistically, interpret them correctly and lead you to better health with the appropriate treatment concept.)

Homeopathy, Schwyter claims on the same site, can effectively treat the following conditions:

  • Joint pain
  • Rheumatism
  • Gout
  • Allergies
  • Neurodermatitis,
  • Acne
  • Shingles
  • Asthma
  • Hay fever
  • Varicose veins
  • Reynauds syndrome
  • Gynecological diseases
  • Pregnancy pains
  • Migraine
  • Chronic headache
  • Diarrhea
  • Constipation
  • Chronic bowel inflammation
  • Epilepsy
  • Multiple sclerosis
  • Parkinson’s disease
  • High blood pressure
  • Dizziness
  • Diabetes mellitus
  • Metabolic disorders
  • Liver/gall bladder problems
  • Acute and chronic childhood diseases
  • Growth and development disorders in children
  • Susceptibility to infections
  • Flu
  • Otitis media
  • Coughing
  • Convalescence from acute diseases
  • Chronic injury sequelae
  • Sleep disorders
  • Learning difficulties
  • Exhaustion
  • Nervousness
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Obsessive-compulsive disorders
  • Diseases resistant to conventional medicine
  • And much more

Call me a skeptic, but somehow, I doubt Schwyter’s competence, expertise, and professionalism. But I do admire her humor!

7 Responses to “Vaccinations lead to masturbation” (Who said that the Swiss have no humor?)

  • Scary, to think of this lady messing with people’s health. Worth remembering that “before vaccination”, everyone died in agony aged 30. (This is hyperbole, but still…..).

  • She can “grasp (my) complaint” any time she likes!

  • As usual, loons come up with bullshit.
    The upside, if this crap is remotely true, is that most people will be happy and unlikely to get an STD. Where is there a downside?

  • Well, of course vaccines lead to masturbation! Because you actually get to live long enough to enjoy it. Dead people don’t masturbate.

  • Masturbation used to be considered not only to be a grave sin but also injurious to the health, and attempts to deal with the problem included the introduction of compulsory sports in English public schools (i.e. privately-funded schools covering ages 12 – 18) and the invention of Kellog’s Corn Flakes. Clearly traditional values prevail in Switzerland.

    • It was also said to ruin your eyesight which is plainly rubbish. Or did you mention that? *reaches for glasses and squints at the screen a lot*

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