MD, PhD, FMedSci, FSB, FRCP, FRCPEd

satire

Yesterday, The Hinckley Times published a report on Parliament’s foremost medical expert which I take the liberty of reproducing below in a slightly shortened version.

Alternative therapy proponent David Tredinnick has pitched in with the possibility of complementary practitioners being the solution to the current A&E crisis. The Tory MP for Bosworth raised the issue with the Department of Health saying: “To ask the Secretary of State for Health, what assessment he has made of the potential contribution of regulated complementary and alternative medical practitioners to reducing demands on the NHS.” The question came against the backdrop of the nation’s casualty departments being swamped with new cases since Christmas.

Despite Mr Tredinnick’s pleas his faith in less mainstream medical care was not supported by Government health chiefs. In a written answer to the former Grenadier Guardsman, the Parliamentary Undersecretary of State for Health, Daniel Poulter, said: “Practitioners of complementary and alternative medicines are not subject to statutory regulation. A working group has been established to consider a number of matters relating to the use of herbal and traditional medicines by practitioners. I know my hon. Friend is a member of this working group. “The findings of the working group will be published in due course, once it has finished its work. Until that working group has reported, no assessment can be made of the contribution of such practitioners to reducing demands on the National Health Service.”

Just days before in the House of Commons, Mr Tredinnick was apparently slapped down by a fellow Conservative MP and GP Sarah Wollaston when he called for a homeopathic flu vaccine to be given to people at risk this winter. Making the suggestion in his role as a member of the Health Select Committee he was rebuked by Mrs Wollaston, the chairman of the group, who distanced herself and said she would “personally be horrified” if his view was taken up.

Mr Tredinnick’s Liberal Democrat opponent councillor Michael Mullaney, said: “Dr Sarah Wollaston is a highly respected GP and Conservative MP whose background in the health service makes her someone who should be listened to on health issues. Unlike Mr Tredinnick, who has no formal medical training, yet constantly tries to tell doctors how to do their job. “If even Dr Wollaston, a fellow Conservative MP, is saying David Tredinnick is wrong and should be ignored, it is time he listened and stopped opening his mouth on things he knows nothing about. Mr Tredinnick has told doctors not to operate on a full moon and told GPs to use patients’ horoscopes when they come for consultations. With his way out views, Mr Tredinnick is increasingly becoming a joke even to his fellow Conservative MPs. How can he represent the people of Hinckley and Bosworth when even his own fellow Conservative MPs are condemning his views?”

Cllr Mullaney’s remarks relate to an episode in the Commons in October 2009 when Mr Tredinnick said blood didn’t clot when there was a full moon and more recently when the MP advocated the integration of astrology into the NHS.

I am deeply saddened by this unfair opposition to my friend Tredinnick. Finally, we have someone in Parliament who shows us a way out of the crisis and all we can do is to slap him down! Just think how much we could gain from his innovations:

  • crystal healers and Reiki masters could take the pressure off A+E departments throughout the country;
  • homeopathic vaccinations would protect us all from Ebola and other nasty infections;
  • astrology could replace expensive screening programs which are of disputed value anyway.

I find it truly depressing to realise that we live in a time where great visionaries like Tredinnick are viciously belittled and their progressive messages ignored. We certainly do this at our very own peril! To me it is clear that none other than BIG PHARMA is behind this deplorable development.

I for one urge the good citizens of Bosworth to continue voting for this genius, and I vow to plead with the next prime minister to make Tredinnick secretary of health – this shrewd move would significantly strengthen the Tory’s effort to save out National Health Service for the benefit of us all.

I know, it’s not really original to come up with the 10000th article on “10 things…” – but you will have to forgive me, I read so many of these articles over the holiday period that I can’t help but jump on the already over-crowded bandwagon and compose yet another one.

So, here are 10 things which could, if implemented, bring considerable improvement in 2015 to my field of inquiry, alternative medicine.

  1. Consumers need to get better at acting as bull shit (BS) detectors. Let’s face it, much of what we read or hear about this subject is utter BS. Yet consumers frequently lap up even the worst drivel like it were some source of deep wisdom. They could save themselves so much money, if they learnt to be just a little bit more critical.
  2. Dr Oz should focus on being a heart surgeon. His TV show has been demonstrated far too often to be promoting dangerous quackery. Yet as a heart surgeon, he actually might do some good.
  3. Journalists ought to remember that they have a job that extends well beyond their ambition to sell copy. They have a responsibility to inform the public truthfully and responsibly.
  4. Book publishers should abstain from churning out book after book that does little else but mislead the public about alternative medicine in a way that all to often is dangerous to the readers’ health. The world does not need the 1000th book repeating nonsense on detox, wellness etc.!
  5. Alternative practitioners must realise that claiming that therapy x cures condition y is not just slightly over-optimistic (or based on ‘years of experience’); if the claim is not based on sound evidence, it is what most people would call an outright lie.
  6. Proponents of alternative medicine should learn that it is neither fair nor productive to fiercely attack everyone personally who disagrees with their enthusiasm for this or that form of alternative medicine. In fact, it merely highlights the acute lack of rational arguments.
  7. Researchers of alternative medicine have to remember how important it is to think critically – an uncritical scientist is at best a contradiction in terms and at worst a pseudo-scientist who is likely to cause harm.
  8. Authorities should amass the courage, the political power and the financial means of going after those charlatans who ruthlessly exploit the public by making a fast and easy buck on the gullibility of consumers. Only if there is the likelihood of hefty fines will we see a meaningful decrease in the current epidemic of alternative health fraud.
  9. Politicians should realise that alternative medicine is not just a trivial subject with which one might win votes, if one issues platitudes to please the majority; alternative medicine is used by so many people that it has become an important public health issue.
  10. Prince Charles need to learn how to control himself and abstain from meddling in health politics by using every conceivable occasion to promote what he thinks is ‘integrated medicine’ but which, in fact, can easily be disclosed to be quackery.

As you see, my list almost instantly turned into a wish-list, and the big questions that follow from it are:

  1. How could we increase the likelihood of these wishes to come true?
  2. And would there be anything left of alternative medicine, if all of these wishes miraculously became true in 2015?

I do not pretend to have the answers, but I do feel strongly that a healthy dose of critical thinking in all levels of education – from kindergartens to schools, from colleges to universities etc. – would be a good and necessary starting point.

I know, my list is not just a wish list, it also is a wishful thinking list. It would be hopelessly naïve to assume that major advances will be made in 2015. I am realistic, sometimes even quite pessimistic, about progress in alternative medicine. But this does not mean that I or anyone else should just give up. 2015 will be a year where at least one thing is certain: you will see me continuing me my fight for reason, critical analysis, rational debate and good evidence – and that’s a promise!

Well, not everywhere actually; if you go on Medline, for instance, and search for ‘detox’, you hardly find anything at all on detox as used in alternative medicine. This is because there is no science behind it (for the purpose of this post, ‘detox’ means the alternative detox that is supposed to rid us from environmental poisons and, more relevant to the Christmas season, of the effects of over-indulgence). Notwithstanding this lack of science and evidence, detox is currently being heavily promoted in magazines, newspapers and, of course, via the Internet.

Take the heir to our thrown, Prince Charles, for instance; he famously marketed his Duchy Originals ‘DETOX TINCTURE’. And he has competition from thousands who also exploit the gullible with similar placebos. One website even claimed that “2014 was the year of the cleanse diet. Celebrities swear by them and more and more people have been getting in on the action, whether it’s to detox diet, brighten skin, lose weight, or get a fresh start. And nowhere is that more evident than in Yahoo’s Year in Review, where different health cleanses consistently topped the site’s most popular stories lists. Here, the year’s top 10 most popular cleanses.”

The author then continues by promoting 10 different forms of detox:

1. A Colon Cleanse.

2. A Liver Cleanse.

3. The Master Cleanse.

4. The 10-Day Green Smoothie Cleanse.

5. A Juice Cleanse.

6. Detox Cleanse.

7. Slendera Garcinia and Natural Cleanse.

8. Dherbs Full Body Cleanse.

9. Blueprint Cleanse.

10. Isagenix Cleanse for Life.

These treatments seem diverse but they all have one thing in common: they do not work; they do not eliminate poisons from the body, they merely eliminate cash from your wallet.

But being so very negative is not the way forward, some might argue. Why does he not tell us which forms of detox do actually work?

Because it is Christmas, I will do just that and provide my readers with a full list of detox treatments that are effective. If you are looking for a specific type of detox and it is not on the list, it means you should spend your money on something else, stop over-indulging yourself and adopt a sensibly health lifestyle.

HERE WE GO – THIS IS MY COMPLETE LIST OF EFFECTIVE FORMS OF DETOX:

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

Each year, during the Christmas period, we are bombarded with religious ideology, soapy sentimentality and delusive festive cheer. In case you are beginning to feel slightly nauseous about all this, it might be time to counter-balance this abundance with my (not entirely serious) version of the ’10 commandments of quackery’?

  1. You must not use therapies other than those recommended by your healer – certainly nothing that is evidence-based!
  2. You must never doubt what your healer tells you; (s)he embraces the wisdom of millennia combined with the deep insights of post-modernism – and is therefore beyond doubt.
  3. You must happily purchase all the books, gadgets, supplements etc. your healer offers for sale. For more merchandise, you must frequent your local health food shops. Money is no object!
  4. You must never read scientific literature; it is the writing of evil. The truth can only be found by studying the texts recommended by your healer.
  5. You must never enter into discussions with sceptics or other critical thinkers; they are wicked and want to destroy your well-being.
  6. You must do everything in your power to fight the establishment, Big Pharma, their dangerous drugs and vicious vaccines.
  7. You must support Steiner Schools, Prince Charles and other enlightened visionaries so that the next generation is guided towards the eternal light.
  8. You must detox regularly to eliminate the ubiquitous, malignant poisons of Satan.
  9. You must blindly, unreservedly and religiously believe in vitalism, quantum medicine, vibrational energy and all other concepts your healer relies upon.
  10. You must denounce, vilify, aggress and attack anyone who disagrees with the gospel of your healer.

I know, I have written about this guy before – and I am likely to do so again – he is just too outstanding to pass by!

A few days ago, he was in the headlines again:  the Conservative health committee member David Tredinnick insisted that herbal medicine and even astrology should be given to patients in order to plug a growing hole in the NHS-budget: “I have referred to the fact that in some cultures astrology is part of healthcare because they need to have a voice and I’ve got up and said that,” he told Channel Four News. “But I also think we can reduce the bill by using a whole range of alternative medicine including herbal medicine, acupuncture, homeopathy…We could probably save five per cent of the [NHS] budget.”

Unbelievably, a man with such views is a member of the science and technology committee! This really does instil trust in politics!!!

His track record regarding the promotion of quackery might even dwarf that of Prince Charles; earlier this year he told MPs that astrology should be used to replace some “conventional” medicines on the NHS: “I am absolutely convinced that those who look at the map of the sky for the day that they were born and receive some professional guidance will find out a lot about themselves and it will make their lives easier,” he told the Commons. “I hope that in future we stop looking just at increasing the supply of drugs and consider the way that complementary and alternative medicine can reduce the demand for drugs, reduce pressures on the health service, increase patient satisfaction, and make everyone in this country happier.”

Speaking recently while thousands of NHS workers were on strike, he defended their pay freeze, stating that NHS’s budget was “finite”. However, asked whether he planned to take his own upcoming 9% pay rise, he refused to answer: “I’m not getting drawn on MPs pay… I’m not answering that question on this programme because we’re dealing with the health service.” Pushed further, he suggested that the rise was necessary in order to make MPs “good public servants… All members of parliament will be given a pay rise which is been set by an independent authority. Most of those members of parliament will take that pay rise because that is what is deemed necessary to have good public servants,” he insisted.

But is he really a “good public servant” ???

Addressing parliament about its ‘evidence check’ on homeopathy which came out squarely against it, Tredinnick once stated: “It is my belief that the advice the Clerks provided to the Science and Technology Committee Chairman was inadequate, in that the evidence taken by the Committee in its evidence check on homeopathy was biased, as they did not call representatives of the homeopathic profession and instead chose a professor who did not represent the alternative medicine world. They chose the one person who would give an answer that suited those who were in opposition.”  The professor he refers to is Edzard Ernst, I think! When I was invited to give evidence to the committee, Tredinnick was in the audience; I saw him as we were waiting to go in and even had a chat with him. So, he must remember that sitting next to me were several defenders of homeopathy, amongst them the Queen’s homeopath himself.

Perhaps Tredinnick just forgot!

He couldn’t be lying, could he?

No, a good public servant wouldn’t do that!

Many proponents of alternative medicine seem somewhat suspicious of research; they have obviously understood that it might not produce the positive result they had hoped for; after all, good research tests hypotheses and does not necessarily confirm beliefs. At the same time, they are often tempted to conduct research: this is perceived as being good for the image and, provided the findings are positive, also good for business.

Therefore they seem to be tirelessly looking for a study design that cannot ‘fail’, i.e. one that avoids the risk of negative results but looks respectable enough to be accepted by ‘the establishment’. For these enthusiasts, I have good news: here is the study design that cannot fail.

It is perhaps best outlined as a concrete example; for reasons that will become clear very shortly, I have chosen reflexology as a treatment of diabetic neuropathy, but you can, of course, replace both the treatment and the condition as it suits your needs. Here is the outline:

  • recruit a group of patients suffering from diabetic neuropathy – say 58, that will do nicely,
  • randomly allocate them to two groups,
  • the experimental group receives regular treatments by a motivated reflexologist,
  • the controls get no such therapy,
  • both groups also receive conventional treatments for their neuropathy,
  • the follow-up is 6 months,
  • the following outcome measures are used: pain reduction, glycemic control, nerve conductivity, and thermal and vibration sensitivities,
  • the results show that the reflexology group experience more improvements in all outcome measures than those of control subjects,
  • your conclusion: This study exhibited the efficient utility of reflexology therapy integrated with conventional medicines in managing diabetic neuropathy.

Mission accomplished!

This method is fool-proof, trust me, I have seen it often enough being tested, and never has it generated disappointment. It cannot fail because it follows the notorious A+B versus B design (I know, I have mentioned this several times before on this blog, but it is really important, I think): both patient groups receive the essential mainstream treatment, and the experimental group receives a useless but pleasant alternative treatment in addition. The alternative treatment involves touch, time, compassion, empathy, expectations, etc. All of these elements will inevitably have positive effects, and they can even be used to increase the patients’ compliance with the conventional treatments that is being applied in parallel. Thus all outcome measures will be better in the experimental compared to the control group.

The overall effect is pure magic: even an utterly ineffective treatment will appear as being effective – the perfect method for producing false-positive results.

And now we hopefully all understand why this study design is so very popular in alternative medicine. It looks solid – after all, it’s an RCT!!! – and it thus convinces even mildly critical experts of the notion that the useless treatment is something worth while. Consequently the useless treatment will become accepted as ‘evidence-based’, will be used more widely and perhaps even reimbursed from the public purse. Business will be thriving!

And why did I employ reflexology for diabetic neuropathy? Is that example not a far-fetched? Not a bit! I used it because it describes precisely a study that has just been published. Of course, I could also have taken the chiropractic trial from my last post, or dozens of other studies following the A+B versus B design – it is so brilliantly suited for misleading us all.

A recent article by Frank King (DC, ND) caught my eye. In it, he praises homeopathy in glowing terms. First I was not sure whether he is pulling my leg; then I decided he was entirely serious. Am I mistaken?

Here is the crucial passage for you to decide:

Even though the founder of homeopathy lived more than 200 years ago, he wrote about genetics. Samuel Hahnemann, MD, not only emphasized the importance of natural healing methods, he also recognized the influence of genetics in some types of illnesses.

Hahnemann used the term miasm to refer to the source of chronic diseases. He recognized several miasms, such as psora (meaning “itch”), syphilis, tuberculosis, gonorrhea, and cancer. In addition to recognizing and naming these miasms, he developed homeopathic remedies to address and correct them.

When your patient treatment protocols reach a plateau with chiropractic and nutritional support, consider turning to the constitutional homeopathic remedies, miasms, and detoxification formulas. Toxins inhibit the body’s ability to heal by interfering with the normal nerve pathways.

For example: Due to the steady growth in heavy-metal exposure modern civilization has experienced since the Industrial Revolution, mercury could be considered a modern miasm. Animal studies indicate that mercury’s negative effects can carry through to future generations, just as some of the other miasms do.

Mercurius is homeopathically prepared mercury to help address the symptoms of mercury toxicity, which can manifest as slow thought processes, chilliness, weak digestion, sore throat, and night sweats.

This is just one of the more than 1,300 Homeopathic Pharmacopoeia of the United States ingredients recognized by the FDA.

Homeopathy can be the perfect complement to chiropractic care. It can correct the energetics (including the genetics) of the deepest areas of the body, mind, and emotions, where the hands of the chiropractor can’t reach.

In case you don’t know much about homeopathy, it is true that Hahnemann believed in ‘miasms’, i.e. noxious vapours as the cause of a disposition to certain diseases. Even by Hahnemann’s standards, it turned out to be one of his more crazy ideas. To claim that, by believing in miasms, he foresaw the science of genetics is more than a little far-fetched.

In case you are not sure what toxins do in our body, rest assured that only chiropractors believe they inhibit the body’s ability to heal by interfering with the normal nerve pathways.

And in case you think you suffer from slow thought processes, chilliness, weak digestion, sore throat, and night sweats and thus feel like rushing to the next pharmacy to buy some Mercurius, don’t! This would not eliminate any mercury from your body, it would just eliminate cash from your pocket (in that sense, homeopathy might indeed occasionally reach where the hands of the chiropractor can’t reach).

One can say a lot about alternative medicine, I think, but nobody can deny that it regularly provides us with perfect (unintentional) comedy.

I am sure that many of my readers have sleepless night because they cannot think of a fitting Christmas present for their alternative therapist. I have given this increasingly acute problem some thought and come up with a few handy suggestions.

FOR THE REFLEXOLOGIST

Reflexologists believe that our organs are represented on the sole of our feet. By exerting pressure on locations which correspond to specific organs, they seek to influence the function of these organs. What the reflexologist therefore needs is an insole for her shoes that is deeply cushioned  so that these sensitive points are well protected from unwanted exposure to strain. Without this protection, the reflexologist’s health might be in danger; imagine her crossing the street and inadvertently putting pressure on  the liver or heart area. This would stimulate these organs and the unsuspecting therapist might suffer tachycardia or her liver might go into over-drive and metabolize drugs like warfarin way too fast, thus leaving her prone to suffer a blood clot.

FOR THE CHIROPRACTOR

Chiropractic was invented about 120 years ago when D.D. Palmer adjusted a subluxation in the neck of a deaf janitor who could then hear again. Chiropractors have ever since claimed that their adjustments free vital nerves that have been blocked by spinal subluxations. I suggest to give them a textbook of anatomy; there they can read up how the inner ear is connected to the brain via nerves which do not even pass via the spine but remain safely in the skull. I am sure the chiropractor will appreciate this news; it will make her think and she might even start doubting whether the rest of the gospel of Mr Palmer is correct.

FOR THE CRANIO-SACRAL THERAPIST

I suggest to give this practitioner an integral helmet for Christmas. Cranio-sacral therapy is based on the idea that the bones of the skull move ever so slightly and that these movements have a profound influence on our health. If that is true, the head of the therapist is in urgent need of complete protection from outside interference of any kind. Even a slight touch from a friend or spouse could have unforeseeable consequences. If she does not already have one, she needs a motorcycle-helmet and must wear it at all times.

FOR THE HOMEOPATH

Homeopaths dilute their remedies endlessly and are convinced that this process which they call ‘potentiation’ renders their remedies not weaker but stronger. The most treasured remedies contain nothing at all. To make a homeopath truly happy, one therefore should give her a nicely wrapped box that contains nothing. Make sure that the box once contained something really nice; like this it will have a powerful memory of its past content which is what homeopaths are after. I am sure she will be overwhelmed by this generosity and enjoy the present for years to come.

FOR THE REIKI MASTER

Reiki is the art of channelling healing energy via the hands of the therapist into a patient’s body. Reiki masters are unusually skilled and have energy-filled hands. When they are not in action, their energy would leak uselessly from their hand; and when they need it for their good work, they may have run empty. This disastrous situation would lead to the ineffectiveness of the otherwise useful intervention. I think that a fully insulated pair of gloves could prevent this situation. My suggestion therefore is to give the Reiki master a pair of solid skiing gloves which have been fitted with insulating material and to advise the master to wear them when not doing her healing.

FOR THE TRADITIONAL CHINESE ACUPUNCTURIST

By far the most common serious complication of acupuncture is a pneumothorax; it happens when an acupuncture needle punctures a lung and means that the patient is in a spot of trouble. If the acupuncturist happens to insert needles on both sides of the thorax, both lungs can be punctured, and then the patient is in a lot of trouble. As anyone can call herself an acupuncturist, some seem to have no idea where the lungs are and are blissfully unaware that their needles can penetrate into vital organs. I think the ideal gift for such acupuncturists might be an atlas of anatomy where they can see with their own eyes what damage a little misplaced needle can cause.

FOR THE HERBALIST

Herbalists tend to promote the idea that, because herbal extracts are natural, they are necessarily safe. The most fitting present for such a therapist might be a textbook of toxicology. There she will find that some of the most powerful poisons come from the plant kingdom. It might not be an insight that she likes, but it just could save some patients from getting hurt.

FOR THE COLONIC IRRIGATIONIST

Colonic irrigation involves pouring lots of water into the part of the body where the sun doesn’t shine in order to detoxify the patient. As the notion of such ‘detox’ is entirely bonkers, I suggest that these therapists could diversify into more serious areas of medicine. Give them a tin of instant coffee for Christmas, and they will be able to claim to treat cancer. Coffee-enemas are a popular alternative treatment for cancer, and I am sure the therapist will be thankful for this opportunity to enlarge her business.

This list could be extended, of course, but I think I will stop here and give my readers the occasion to contribute their own suggestions; surely your ideas are better than mine. So, please put them into your short comments below.

One of the perks of researching alternative medicine and writing a blog about it is that one rarely runs out of good laughs. In perfect accordance with ERNST’S LAW, I have recently been entertained, amused, even thrilled by a flurry of ad hominem attacks most of which are true knee-slappers. I would like to take this occasion to thank my assailants for their fantasy and tenacity. Most days, these ad hominem attacks really do make my day.

I can only hope they will continue to make my days a little more joyous. My fear, however, is that they might, one day, run out of material. Even today, their claims are somewhat repetitive:

  • I am not qualified
  • I only speak tosh
  • I do not understand science
  • I never did any ‘real’ research
  • Exeter Uni fired me
  • I have been caught red-handed (not quite sure at what)
  • I am on BIG PHARMA’s payroll
  • I faked my research papers

Come on, you feeble-minded fantasists must be able to do better! Isn’t it time to bring something new?

Yes, I know, innovation is not an easy task. The best ad hominem attacks are, of course, always based on a kernel of truth. In that respect, the ones that have been repeated ad nauseam are sadly wanting. Therefore I have decided to provide all would-be attackers with some true and relevant facts from my life. These should enable them to invent further myths and use them as ammunition against me.

Sounds like fun? Here we go:

Both my grandfather and my father were both doctors

This part of my family history could be spun in all sorts of intriguing ways. For instance, one could make up a nice story about how I, even as a child, was brain-washed to defend the medical profession at all cost from the onslaught of non-medical healers.

Our family physician was a prominent homeopath

Ahhhh, did he perhaps mistreat me and start me off on my crusade against homeopathy? Surely, there must be a nice ad hominem attack in here!

I studied psychology at Munich but did not finish it

Did I give up psychology because I discovered a manic obsession or other character flaw deeply hidden in my soul?

I then studied medicine (also in Munich) and made a MD thesis in the area of blood clotting

No doubt this is pure invention. Where are the proofs of my qualifications? Are the data in my thesis real or invented?

My 1st job as a junior doctor was in a homeopathic hospital in Munich

Yes, but why did I leave? Surely they found out about me and fired me.

I had hands on training in several forms of alternative medicine, including homeopathy

Easy to say, but where are the proofs?

I moved to London where I worked in St George’s Hospital conducting research in blood rheology

Another invention? Where are the published papers to document this?

I went back to Munich university where I continued this line of research and was awarded a PhD

Another thesis? Again with dodgy data? Where can one see this document?

I became Professor Rehabilitation Medicine first at Hannover Medical School and later in Vienna

How did that happen? Did I perhaps bribe the appointment panels?

In 1993, I was appointed to the Chair in Complementary Medicine at Exeter university

Yes, we all know that; but why did I not direct my efforts towards promoting alternative medicine?

In Exeter, together with a team of ~20 colleagues, we published > 1000 papers on alternative medicine, more than anyone else in that field

Impossible! This number clearly shows that many of these articles are fakes or plagiaries.

My H-Index is currently >80

Same as above.

In 2012, I became Emeritus Professor of the University of Exeter

Isn’t ’emeritus’ the Latin word for ‘dishonourable discharge’?

I HOPE I CAN RELY ON ALL OF MY AD HOMINEM ATTACKERS TO USE THIS INFORMATION AND RENDER THE ASSAULTS MORE DIVERSE, REAL AND INTERESTING.

To write an AT FAP seems far from easy. The reason for this is simple: the reality of alternative medicine is often more fantastic than what our fantasy can make up. I hope you give it a try nevertheless and send me your stories. Here are AT FAPs 10, 11 and 12.

AT FAP No 10 (by Edzard Ernst)

IMPORTANT NEW ARTICLE IN ‘SOS’

A little-known but nevertheless important monthly journal called ‘Snake-Oil Salesman’ (SOS) has just published a remarkable article which, I think, deserves a mention here. The paper entitled HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN HARD TIMES – A ROAD-MAP TO HEALTH AND WEALTH was authored by the chief executive of ‘Dutchy Originals Herbal Tinctures’ (DOHT) but the grapevine has it that Prince Charles had important input as well. The article explains that, during recessions, snake-oil salesmen are the ones who suffer most. People are just not educated enough to realise the importance of snake oil to public health and wealth, the paper stated. The sale figures for Dutchy Originals Herbal Detox Tincture, for instance, have been declining steadily ever since the world financial crisis started. And that during a time when people need our products most, the SOS-paper stressed. In view of this dire situation, the experts at DOHT have conducted a multi-facetted research project funded by HRH with the aim of designing an effective strategy that will boost sale figures of any snake-oil product, even during hard times. The main part of the SOS-article goes into the strategy point by point. Here I take the liberty of listing from the executive summary the main landmarks on the road to snake-oil success:

  • snake-oil is natural and natural means good, effective and foremost safe
  • synthetic medicines have none of these qualities, on the contrary, they are amongst the leading causes of death in most countries
  • snake-oils have stood the test of time; they were used much before today’s pharmaceuticals were even invented; in other words, they have been field tested for hundreds of years on millions of patients, and that is certainly more important than a few clinical trials
  •  snake-oils are thus supported by thousands of anecdotes and satisfied customers
  • highly respected pharmacies like Boots sell snake-oil and some are even available on the NHS
  • famous people, politicians and other pillars of society regularly use snake-oil; some even have a Royal warrant!
  • several Nobel-prize winners endorse snake-oil
  • compared to some modern drugs, snake-oil is cheap
  • snake-oil is not just for one or two conditions, it is a ‘cure all’
  • snake-oil is holistic, i.e. it takes care not just of your physical symptoms, like conventional drugs might do, it also increases wellness on the emotional and spiritual levels
  • snake-oil is in tune with the current emphasis on patient choice in health care

The SOS-article concludes with the advice for snake-oil manufacturers to employ the above-listed elements for an effective sales-strategy wisely. Do not use all you ammunition at once, writes the paper states, if you adapt a small selection of them carefully to optimally suit your product, you will be able to sell your snake-oil well, and your customers will be delighted forthwith. It really is a win/win situation.

AT FAP No 11 (by Edzard Ernst)

THE ‘NO BRAIN DRAIN’

At a recent meeting of the ‘International Medical Research Standard Panel’ (IMRSP), a governance body of major research funding bodies across the globe aimed at watching over, as well as increasing the quality of medical research, members surprised the world of science: in an official statement, they expressed their pleasure with and approval of alternative medicine.

The panel had commissioned an investigation into the impact on research standards of the plethora of alternative medicine research groups (AMRGs). The investigators applied powerful statistical methods and demonstrated an unexpected but consistent effect: In regions where particularly many AMRGs had emerged, the quality of mainstream medical research seemed to improve; there was even something akin to a dose-effect relationship: the more AMRGs, the larger the improvement in quality.

The panel concluded that alternative medicine seems to attract those researchers who are “perhaps not the brightest buttons in the drawer”, as they elegantly put it. This ‘no brain drain’, they argued, has the effect that the less gifted scientists are drawn away from mainstream research which, in turn, means that the quality of mainstream science increases. A spokesman said: “we are pleased that so many AMRGs are emerging these days and hope the trend continues for the benefit of real medicine”.

AT FAP No 12 (submitted by ‘stopthequacks’)

CASE REPORT:

Homeopathy successfully treats heart attack

As part of the intensive on-going research effort in the School of Homeopathy Education and Denialism (Shed) in our garden we’re delighted to report another success for homeopathy.

One of our leading researchers Del Usional was investigating homeopathic preparations of mains voltage alternating current. In these highly technical and detailed scientific experiments Del first cut the end off a kettle lead and  removed the shielding from the live and neutral wires. He then plugged in the cable and put the exposed copper ends into some fresh tap water in a clean jam jar.

This resulted in Del being thrown backwards and landing on the lawnmower and suffering a cardiac arrest. Luckily a colleague witnessed this and called the paramedics. However, with great presence of mind, he began to succus and dilute the water that remained in the jar. The paramedics arrived and despite defibrillating Del were having no success, the race was on. !0, 20, 30C and Del was still in problems, chest compressions and oxygen  were doing nothing. Finally 200C, we’d need a really potent remedy for this situation.

Just as the paramedics shocked Del again some of the 200C Alt Curr preparation was dripped on Del’s lips. Instantly he coughed and opened his eyes. He made a full recovery and the burns on his hands were successfully treated with homeopathic preparations (after skin grafting).

This clear and unequivocal result shows the power of homeopathy. The sceptics may well say we “don’t know” that it wasn’t quantum nano-bollock particles of copper from the wire rather than the electricity itself. But that’s just stupid – like cures like so it couldn’t be the copper, it is obviously the memory of the electricity in the water that had the effect.

We offered some of this highly potent medicine to the paramedic crew but they mysteriously declined, we can only assume they are in the pay of big Pharma.

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