“My father invented a therapy for which there was no disease, my mother caught it and died.”
This type of scurrility makes me laugh. And it reminds me of the missing link in so-called alternative medicine (SCAM). We have heard about alternative therapies, alternative diagnostic methods, but what about alternative diseases and conditions? Here are some that SCAM practitioners seem to be oddly fond of:
- – adrenal fatigue
- – chi deficiency
- – yeast overgrowth
- – leaky gut syndrome
- – leaky brain syndrome
- – chronic Lyme disease
- – various food ‘sensitivities’
- – methylation dysfunction
- – spinal subluxation
- – vaccine-induced ‘toxicity’
- – toxin-overload
But surely, these cannot be enough! For the field of SCAM to make progress, we definitely need many more. So, I had a brainstorm and came up with the following suggestions:
- Ataxia: the condition (of many SCAM practitioners, but also others) where patients fail to declare their income to the taxman; usually cured by a short stay in the nick.
- Cardioversion: an insurmountable dislike of conventional clinicians like cardiologists; a self-limiting condition that usually improves after receiving proper medical attention during a serious illness.
- Collagen: a genetic disorder that shows itself through a strong dislike of experts who have been to college; incurable.
- Deepak Chopra Syndrome: a serious neurosis where the patient cannot stop uttering BS; incurable.
- Digitoxin: the unfortunate condition where a spiritual healer sends toxic spirits into the patient via his/her fingers; needs urgent detox.
- Donovan bodies: a psychiatric affliction where patients are compelled to look and sing like Donavan; requires a sound-proof cell.
- Duodenal ulcer: an unfortunate condition where the patient has two denal ulcers at the same time; emergency Reiki is advised.
- Dyspepsia: the pathological preference of Coke over Pepsi; incurable.
- Familial diseases: an umbrella term for all the few conditions that SCAM practitioners actually know about; can improve with reading a few textbooks.
- Free radicals: terrorists on the run; call the police!
- Fungal infection: a rare form of food poisoning where the magic mushrooms were off; needs detox.
- Iridocyclitis: an obsession that afflicts iridologists who cannot stop riding bicycles; incurable.
- Keratosis: the dangerous situation where a patient develops an aversion to his/her carer; change of carer is often needed.
- Murial dyslexia: the inability to be able to read the writing on the wall; incurable.
- Myositis: is always worse than your ositis.
- Osteoblast: an event where, after chiropractic manipulation, a bone breaks with an audible noise; see an orthopedic surgeon.
- Semi-colon: the embarrassing situation where a colonic irrigationist managed to clean out only half of the colon; manageable by changing your therapist.
If you, the reader, can think of more ways to expand the repertoire of SCAM terminology, please feel free to let us all know by posting your ideas below.