Virologists have discovered the very virus that is threatening the survival of the UK. It is a Coxsackie virus, to be precise, a mutation of the one responsible for HAND FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE. In contrast to the Coxsackie A 16, the new ‘Coxsackie Brexit Strong’ (‘Coxsackie BS’ for short) seems to attack mostly adult Brits. By no means everybody is affected, and the scientists have already identified important risk factors:
- being English,
- being a nationalist,
- white colour,
- male gender,
- age 60 and older,
- low intelligence,
- aversion to Frogs,
- dislike of Huns,
- unusual dress-sense,
- propensity of fill own pockets,
- urge to invest in tax-heavens.
The infected individuals display a wide range of symptoms, including the compulsory repetition of slogans such as:
- Brexit is Brexit!
- We want our country back!!
- The will of the people!!!
- Get over it!!!!
- Strong and stable!!!!!
- The treasury are fiddling the figures!!!!!!
The disease is dangerously progressive, and its victims show increasing breakdown of reason, critical thinking, insight into facts, common sense, understanding of economics, ability to consider the views of experts, as well as further cognitive functions. Other significant symptoms, particularly of the later stages of the condition, is the urge to become the laughing-stock of other nations, galloping jingoism, and depicting uninfected individuals as ‘Remoaners’.
The danger for the UK arises from the fact that victims are eager to take over high places, for instance in politics. As the disease progresses, they become more and more ruthless in pursuing their aim to ‘MAKE BRITAIN GERAT AGAIN’. They tend to make false promises, lie in Parliament, avoid questions, withhold information, engage in intrigues, attempt to turn the BBC into a propaganda machine in the style of Josef Goebbels etc. … and, when confronted with the truth, shrug it off with an imbecilic smile.
The virus, it is assumed, affects the brain’s newly discovered ‘honesty-centre’ and turns it into a malignant ‘xenophobia centre’. The victim feels no pain; instead (s)he is taken over by an ever-increasing sense of righteousness and an urge to behave like a ‘little Englander’. In some badly affected individuals, this phenomenon shows itself in a bizarre dress-sense (e. g. ‘Victorian undertaker’).
Several concerned scientists have issues a nation-wide alert stating: ‘This is a national emergency! If the virus remains unchecked, the UK will go straight back into the Dark Ages.’
Virologists are currently working tirelessly trying to find a cure; experts say that it will take months to make meaningful progress. “We are working flat out, but our immunisation might come too late – not least because, due to insufficient funding, we have to work on a shoestring”, said one desperate scientist.
By contrast, enthusiasts from the alternative medicine scene claim to have found the solution: homeopathy!
Researchers at ‘British Science in Homeopathy’ (or ‘BS Homeopathy’) have re-analysed Hahnemann’s Organon in full detail and extrapolated that, based on the guru’s words, they can produce an effective remedy in a timely fashion. In fact, they already have exposed distilled water to the sound of recorded speeches by Hitler, Mussolini, the KKK and Trump. According to homeopathy’s ‘dislike cures dislikes’ principle, this procedure generates a novel ‘mother tincture’, fittingly called ‘Brexit Solution’, or BS for short.
Currently, the homeopaths are potentising this remedy and are organising its large-scale production. However, a fly has been discovered in the homeopathic ointment: a heated debate has erupted amongst these experts whether to employ ‘BS C30’ or ‘BS C200’ for the planned nation-wide emergency immunisation programme. Proponents of the ‘BS C200’ solution insist that such a dramatically high potency is needed in our present acute emergency, while members of the ‘C30 camp’ caution that it might cause a severe homeopathic aggravation which would lead to an outbreak of open hostilities in Europe. “After 70 years of peace, it would be foolish to risk it”, one senior homeopath has been quoted saying.