MD, PhD, FMedSci, FRSB, FRCP, FRCPEd.

Here is a quick reminder of some important things you should take care of before the year is out. Shops are still open; so hurry, there is no time to lose on the alternative path to holistic health.

1) Buy some Rescue Remedies

No matter whether your mother-in-law visits this Christmas or not, the ‘festive’ season can be extremely stressful. Think how often in the past a member of your family was next to a breakdown! Think of how often you felt like hitting the bottle and forgetting about the rest of the unthankful bunch. This year, you should be prepared; for just a little outlay, you can purchase these wonderful Bach Flower Remedies specifically designed to rid everyone of stress and disharmony.

2) Get yourself Prince Charles’ Detox Tincture

Some say that Christmas is the time of love, peace and quiet, but surely you were not born last Wednesday and know better: it is the time of over-indulgence. At the end of the holiday season your body will be as polluted as the toxic sewage of a Bayer Leverkusen. What you need now is detox!!! Luckily, the heir to the thrown has thought of us; his detox-tincture is just the ticket – best get two bottles, think of the looming New Year celebrations!

3) Homeopathic ‘Nux Vomica’

Alcohol hangovers are almost unavoidable during this time of the year. Based on the ‘like cures like’ principle, the homeopathic best-seller ‘Nux Vomica’ is every homeopath’s standard recommendation for this sort of thing – and we all know how valuable the advice of homeopaths invariably is.

4) Donation to ‘HOMEOPATHS WITHOUT BORDERS’

Christmas should also be the time for charity, and this fine organisation deservers your support! They do all sorts of splendid things; for instance, they make sure that AIDS-patients in Africa have enough trained homeopaths to cure then from the nasty infection once and for all without any side-effects whatsoever.

5) Support your local chiropractor

Chiropractors have had a really rough time of late: they lost a much publicised libel-case and their good reputation along with it. Now they are suffering badly from vicious in-fighting. Worst of all, the world is slowly realising that there is ‘NOT A JOT OF EVIDENCE’ for most of their therapeutic claims. You should therefore pop into your local chiro’s office and book the entire family for life-long ‘maintenance treatment’. It does not really work, but they so need your money.

6) Buy a few ear-candles

Who wants conventional candles on the Christmas tree? Ear-candles are so much more original! They are supposed to do all sorts of amazing things for your health plus they do look very becoming when worn during the festivities and make a nice alternative to those silly hats that you used to put on. An additional benefit is that your local health food shop selling the ear-candles desperately needs your trade – times have been hard, you know!

7) Protect yourself against the common cold

Echinacea is the product to buy for this purpose. Scientists still debate whether it works or not, but it would be a mistake to listen to these nit-picking pedants. Take Echinacea and take it generously, the herbal industry counts on you.

8) Give up smoking

Your acupuncturist is the person you need for meeting your perennial New Year’s target of stopping to smoke. Book now!!! By January, they will all be fully booked with people who are desperate to give up the filthy habit; they earn their living by pretending that regularly sticking a few needles in your skin makes smoking cessation a piece of cake.

9) Lose a few pounds

Look at you! The feasting has not even started properly, and you are already several pounds over your ideal weight. Luckily, the alternative medicine industry has dozens of slimming aids on offer. Do they work? You should not ask such impertinent questions – there are no guarantees in life, you know! But at the very minimum, you will lose quite a few £s.

4 Responses to Nine things to do before the New Year

  • Acupuncture is a science-based aid to smoking cessation, but only when the needles are used to pierce multiple holes in the cigarettes or to pierce multiple holes in one’s lungs. If you choose the latter (YouTube worthy) option, please remember to take plenty of Rescue Remedy, or a suitable homeopathic remedy, as soon as possible after the “Smoke Emitting Chest” video has been recorded.

    Lighting two cigarettes then putting them in one’s ears, instead of smoking them, is an alternative method of smoking cessation, which to onlookers it is a lot less silly than putting lighted candles in one’s ears for any reason whatsoever. Studies have shown that this method has the added benefit of also doing whatever it is that ear candling does, but with a lower risk of personal injury.

    I would never recommend attempting smoking cessation because it is highly stressful and it carries other clearly identified risks. Carry on smoking to your heart’s content and use Prince Charles’ Detox Tincture to rid yourself from the toxins — obviously, this is the safest option because it has royal approval, which as we’ve learnt, totally trumps all the nit-picking pedantic science- and evidence-based medicine.

    Rather than go on to write about alternative efficacious uses of turkeys, I have (perhaps wisely) decided to end this comment by wishing everyone a very Happy Christmas.

    Sincerest Best Wishes to you all and my profoundest thanks to Edzard for giving us his books and this awesome website,
    Pete

    • Pete, no, it’s not science based. It’s a theatrical placebo. Talk therapy with added smoke and mirrors.

      Whatever else you might say about acupuncture, it is absolutely not science. There is no anatomy associated with the purported meridians or acupoints, and the practice itself is largely a creation of Maoist communism.

  • Guy, read Pete’s piece again. Slowly. Think.

  • Thank you very much for “the heir to the thrown” – and I do hope it wasn’t just a typo….

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