About 10 years ago, I published this little post about ‘MY HOLISTIC HEALTH CENTRE’:

Where I live, some of the old-fashioned, privately-owned shops that used to dominate our high streets have survived the onslaught of the supermarkets. Our bakery is such a quaint remnant from the past. Surprisingly, it also is more holistic and more therapeutic than any alternative health centre I have come across.

The first thing that strikes anyone who enters the premises is the irresistible smell. Customers’ well-being hits the ceiling, and the local aromatherapists are in danger of going out of business. The intense stimulation of the customers’ olfactory system relaxes their minds and puts them into a meditative state as they patiently wait to be served. Everyone in the queue has a little word with the baker’s wife, and progress is therefore slow – but we don’t mind: the chat is holistic counseling at its best, and our slow movements toward the counter are healthier than tai chi.

“You are looking well today,” says the baker’s wife, thereby gently arousing me from my aroma-induced meditation and indicating that she is about to focus her shaman healing energy on me. Her diagnosis is spot on; the alternative therapies I enjoyed while waiting have re-balanced my chakras and got my qi flowing nicely – no wonder I am looking well!

The whole-wheat scones are finely balanced and nutritious; so I order three—one for the walk home and two for tea later. Prices have gone up a bit but, as with all holistic therapies, the more you pay, the more it’s worth. “Here you are,” she says, handing me her dietary delights. As I pay, our hands touch ever so briefly, just long enough for me to experience the instant transfer of healing energy that is so characteristic of Therapeutic Touch.

“Take care now, and God bless”, she says. As I walk out of her aura, I contemplate her words full of empathetic spiritual guidance and ancient wisdom. “That was expensive”, my wife mutters back home. I beg to differ: not only did I get the most wholesome food for my physical body, but I received holistic and patient-centered aromatherapy, counseling, meditation, tai chi, and energy healing for my emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs.

If only our Health Secretary knew about this traditional, yet integrated and therefore cutting-edge approach to cost-effective health and holistic well-being. We could all have it for free, and it might even save the NHS from its current crisis!

Since I wrote these lines, the healthcare crises have deepened and, in some countries, privatization is considered a possible solution. If that moment arrives, it will be the day of so-called alternative medicine (SCAM) clinics. They will pop up like mushrooms and prosper like gold mines. In preparation for this glorious development, I have been trying to think of a few names that would be best for attracting needy consumers to my new alternative health clinics:

  • An establishment specializing in SCAM for grieving individuals: GOOD GRIEF
  • A clinic for traditional acupuncture: WHAT’S THE POINT?
  • A body purification center: CHUCKY’S DETOX TINCTURES
  • An institute specializing in SCAM for erectile dysfunction: SOMETHING MIGHT COME UP
  • A clinic for talking therapies: THE HOT AIR SALOON
  • Osteopathy school: STILL FOR ALL ILLS
  • An institute for veterinary homeopathy: NOTHING IS BETTER
  • A center specializing in SCAM for premature ejaculation: COMING LATER
  • SCAM diagnostic clinic: SECOND BEST OPINION
  • Chiropractic clinic: SUBLUXOURIOUS LUXATIONS
  • Energy healing institute: TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
  • Clinic specializing in SCAM for intestinal pain: GONE WITH A WIND
  • Essential oils clinic: I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER
  • Coffee enema clinic: STARBUCKS
  • Spiritual healing: CREED AND GREED
  • Clinic for Oriental medicine: EAST OF EDEN
  • Body reshaping center: WASTE WATCHERS
  • Leech therapy clinic: BORN TO SUCK
  • Mind-body institute: NEVER MIND
  • Alternative computer skills: NEUROLINGUISTIC PROGRAMMING
  • Vibrational medicine clinic: SATISFACTION GUARANTEED
  • Homeopathic health clinic: A LOT TO DO ABOUT NOTHING
  • Clinic specializing in SCAM for Benign Prostate Hypertrophy: TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE

I am sure many of you have much better ideas than I can think of – please, do not hesitate to let me know.

4 Responses to My alternative health clinics

  • The second part brought a few smiles, but the first part I read completely withou skipping, that’s where the power is; it touched me.

  • Absolutely wonderful!

    “a double venti iced skinny hazelnut macchiato with syrup, extra shot, light ice, no whip – in an enema bag please.”

    just to see the look on their face …

  • The homeopathic clinic could be called LESS IS MORE.

  • I have a series of books in the pipeline (so to speak), first one due out at the beginning of April, written under a pen name, of course:

    Taking Your Clients for a Ride: Horse Chiropractic
    G G Palmer

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