I am delighted to report that my invitation to contribute AT FAPs was successful! Some readers did indeed cotton on and submitted their funny satire and bizarre absurdities – oddly enough, they are all homeopathic by nature. If you like to know more about the idea of AT FAPs, please see here. And do not forget: if you want me to continue with this feature, keep your alt med satire coming!
AT FAP No 4 (sent in by an anonymous reader)
You’ve heard or Gerson but now we can reveal Dyson therapy!
The well established and long-proven facts of homeopathy – that like cures like, ultra diluted solutions of nothing are incredibly potent medicines, Hahnemann can’t be wrong etc. have, of course revolutionised our world view. Nothing substantial had changed in homeopathy for 200 years, until now! Vacuous homeopaths have now discovered an amazing breakthrough- Dyson therapy. After extensive research one afternoon, they have made a breakthrough that will rock the world and clean your carpet.
Some homeopaths believe that ultra diluted water contains silica that is remarkably similar to that found in the glass vessels it is prepared in. Vacuous homeopaths have found a way to reduce the content of the water still further, indeed eliminate it completely!
Using the principle of like cures like, a material is chosen for its powerful homeopathic effects, and ground up in a small amount of water and/or alcohol until it turns into a paste or solution. Now here’s the science bit- it is then smeared on the floor. After being allowed to dry for precisely 3.4 minutes (trust us) it is then vacuumed up! This amazing breakthrough allows the nano-bollock essence of the material to be firmly trapped within the vacuum cleaner, but here is the genius part-as air is drawn over it the nano-bollock material is infinitely diluted. No need for complicated machines you can do this yourself at home. Vacuous homeopaths have found that the vacuum cleaner has to be tapped on the floor during the process, or for a far more potent effect on the head of a sceptic (we call this concussion). It has to be tapped a precise number of times, the number is decided by the current cost in pence of a avocado pear, this in scientific terms is known as the avocado number -trust us it works!
We now have a homeopathic remedy inside the cleaner. The patient takes a tube from the cleaner applies it to their mouth * and vacuums out all those nasty miasmas whilst simultaneously increasing the potency of the homeopathic preparation by yet further dilution. But that’s not all! Dyson therapy removes harmful mercury vapour from your fillings, this is truly miraculous.
Until now vacuous homeopaths have argued that homeopathy has no side effects effects. Sceptics have argued this is because it contains nothing does nothing and is worth nothing. Vacuous homeopaths have now found side effects, after all when you prepare the ultimate vacuum potencies we are dealing with the strongest medicine in the universe. Side effects include blisters of the lips and mouth, ruptured lungs and feelings of intense stupidity.
* Some experiments with Dyson therapy have been abandoned due to penile injury, but an exciting new avenue of research – anal Dyson therapy is being intensively studied, this combined with coffee enemas is an exciting new wake up call for homepathy. So far results have shown that homeopaths are full of shit.
Disclaimer: I do not own shares in Dyson, and am in no way associated with the company – Big Pharma wouldn’t let me. Other brands of vacuum cleaner are available.
AT FAP No5 (sent in by Norbert Aust)
German scientist succeeded in creating the ultimate homeopathic remedy: Vinum Christi C200! This remedy combines strong beliefs and ancient wisdom from christianity with the more recent scientific achievements of current homeopathy.
Details on the procedure are not clear yet, but the scientist (name known to the edotor) succeeded in building an entanglement with the the molecules of Our Lord’s last goblet of wine that today can be found in any glass of water. By banging his head on the wall he could successfully succuss just these molecules and could build a very powerful mother tincture. Further potentization yielded a very strong remedy, much more powerful than any of the current homeopathic alcoholic dilutions. It took only one tiny drop of this solution to turn a bottle of Scotch whisky into a very efficacious tincture outperforming any of our Lord’s wines or what you would expect of todays wines. In fact, the proving got a little out of control, but the effects could be witnessed nevertheless. It seems a perfect medicine for headaches, vertigo, nausea, general pain and feeling of being sick, difficulties in eye focus and speech, turns of general love and hate of the world in total. Many more symptoms expected to be found in further provings.
The scientist – after he recovered fronm the proving – made it a point, that the preparation of the mother tincture requires much experience and personality. The beginner might well end up entangled with the wrong molecules in his glass of water (like the donkey’s first pee after he carried our Lord to Jerusalem), which may lead to unpredictable results when proving the final compound.
Adress any inquiries for marketing of this medicine to the editor who will forward it to the scientist.