MD, PhD, FMedSci, FRSB, FRCP, FRCPEd

Virologists have discovered the very virus that is threatening the survival of the UK. It is a Coxsackie virus, to be precise, a mutation of the one responsible for HAND FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE. In contrast to the Coxsackie A 16, the new ‘Coxsackie Brexit Strong’ (‘Coxsackie BS’ for short) seems to attack mostly adult Brits. By no means everybody is affected, and the scientists have already identified important risk factors:

  • being English,
  • being a nationalist,
  • white colour,
  • male gender,
  • age 60 and older,
  • low intelligence,
  • affluence,
  • cronyism,
  • aversion to Frogs,
  • dislike of Huns,
  • unusual dress-sense,
  • propensity of fill own pockets,
  • urge to invest in tax-heavens.

The infected individuals display a wide range of symptoms, including the compulsory repetition of slogans such as:

  • Brexit is Brexit!
  • We want our country back!!
  • The will of the people!!!
  • Get over it!!!!
  • Strong and stable!!!!!
  • The treasury are fiddling the figures!!!!!!

The disease is dangerously progressive, and its victims show increasing breakdown of reason, critical thinking, insight into facts, common sense, understanding of economics, ability to consider the views of experts, as well as further cognitive functions. Other significant symptoms, particularly of the later stages of the condition, is the urge to become the laughing-stock of other nations, galloping jingoism, and depicting uninfected individuals as ‘Remoaners’.

The danger for the UK arises from the fact that victims are eager to take over high places, for instance in politics. As the disease progresses, they become more and more ruthless in pursuing their aim to ‘MAKE BRITAIN GERAT AGAIN’. They tend to make false promises, lie in Parliament, avoid questions, withhold information, engage in intrigues, attempt to turn the BBC into a propaganda machine in the style of Josef Goebbels etc. … and, when confronted with the truth, shrug it off with an imbecilic smile.

The virus, it is assumed, affects the brain’s newly discovered ‘honesty-centre’ and turns it into a malignant ‘xenophobia centre’. The victim feels no pain; instead (s)he is taken over by an ever-increasing sense of righteousness and an urge to behave like a ‘little Englander’. In some badly affected individuals, this phenomenon shows itself in a bizarre dress-sense (e. g. ‘Victorian undertaker’).

Several concerned scientists have issues a nation-wide alert stating: ‘This is a national emergency! If the virus remains unchecked, the UK will go straight back into the Dark Ages.’

Virologists are currently working tirelessly trying to find a cure; experts say that it will take months to make meaningful progress. “We are working flat out, but our immunisation might come too late – not least because, due to insufficient funding, we have to work on a shoestring”, said one desperate scientist.

By contrast, enthusiasts from the alternative medicine scene claim to have found the solution: homeopathy!

Researchers at ‘British Science in Homeopathy’ (or ‘BS Homeopathy’) have re-analysed Hahnemann’s Organon in full detail and extrapolated that, based on the guru’s words, they can produce an effective remedy in a timely fashion. In fact, they already have exposed distilled water to the sound of recorded speeches by Hitler, Mussolini, the KKK and Trump. According to homeopathy’s ‘dislike cures dislikes’ principle, this procedure generates a novel ‘mother tincture’, fittingly called ‘Brexit Solution’, or BS for short.

Currently, the homeopaths are potentising this remedy and are organising its large-scale production. However, a fly has been discovered in the homeopathic ointment: a heated debate has erupted amongst these experts whether to employ ‘BS C30’ or ‘BS C200’ for the planned nation-wide emergency immunisation programme. Proponents of the ‘BS C200’ solution insist that such a dramatically high potency is needed in our present acute emergency, while members of the ‘C30 camp’ caution that it might cause a severe homeopathic aggravation which would lead to an outbreak of open hostilities in Europe. “After 70 years of peace, it would be foolish to risk it”, one senior homeopath has been quoted saying.

9 Responses to BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover the ‘Brexit virus’… and homeopaths are quick to offer a ‘cure’

  • Sadly, the virus seems to be. breaking out, and attacking younger men, and even- sit down here- women.
    A little ‘ad hominem’, I realise, but on the worst of the posts, like the Telegraph ones, the name of Barry Kent crops up regularly, along with those of Mary Brady ( ‘Mad Mary’ as at least one respondent calls her), Mark Vipond, Trev Mundy, Joy Bent etc.
    Along with constant references to Merkel as the new Hitler, Germany being angry at losing two World Wars( the World Cup defeat in 66 doesn’t work quite as well as it used to), the sinking of the Bismarck, standing alone against the Nazis, most foreigners being crooks, support for Poland
    etc.
    As you asked in an earlier post- how to deal with people suffering from such a virus?
    Most of them don’t even seem to have cured friends they can point to as examples of optimism.
    As I’ve asked before- can we really expect education to cure wilful stupidity?

  • Until BS is available in a high potency one can try “Murus Berlinienis” C200 – looks similar enough to cure the Brexit virus.

  • It’s better to laugh than cry. I understand this malady is particularly rampant in golf clubs

  • I fear the virus may have mutated and found its way to the colonies. It appears to attack and grossly overinflate the MAGA gland. Although no formal medical name has yet been assigned to this condition, top contenders include Narcissistic Reflux Ailment (NRA for short) and Tea Particulate Psychosis. Like in Great Britain, there is no known cure. However, researchers are optimistic the disease may run its natural course and die off around November, 2018.

  • First decent chuckle of the day. A disappointing outcome as I was striving to develop a raucous sene of humour by evading funny stuff and drinking only water of C200 infusion of unicorns’ laughter.

  • You can add a new war cry now: “Gammon is racist!”

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