A deer, an Audi and a Prince … and some fantastic homeopathy?

Prince Charles’s car has been involved in a collision with a deer in the area around Balmoral, THE GUARDIAN reported. Charles remained uninjured but shaken by the incident. The condition of the deer is unknown but might be much worse. The Prince’s Audi was damaged in the collision at the Queen’s Aberdeenshire estate and sent away for repairs. A spokesman for Clarence House declined to comment on the crash.

This is the story roughly as it was reported a few days ago. It is hardly earth-shattering, one might even say that it is barely news-worthy. Therefore, I thought I might sex it up a little by adding some more fascinating bits to it – pure fantasy, of course, but news-stories have been known to get embellished now and then, haven’t they?

Here we go:

As the papers rightly state, Charles was ‘shaken’, and such an acute loss of Royal well-being cannot, of course, be tolerated. This is why his aids decided to make an urgent telephone call to his team of homeopaths in order to obtain professional and responsible advice as to how to deal with this precarious situation. This homeopathic team discussed the case for about an hour and subsequently issued the following consensual and holistic advice:

• Scrape some hair or other tissue of the deer from the damaged car.
• Put it in an alcohol/water mixture.
• Take one drop of the ‘mother tincture’ and put it in 99 drops of water.
• Shake vigorously by banging the container on a leather-bound bible.
• Take one drop of the resultant mixture and put it in 99 drops of water.
• Shake vigorously by banging the container on a leather-bound bible.
• Repeat this procedure a total of 30 times.
• This generates the desired C30 remedy.
• Administer 10 drops of it to the Prince by mouth.
• Repeat the dose every two hours until symptoms subside.

The Prince’s loyal aids followed these instructions punctiliously, and after 24 hours the Prince’s anxiety had all but disappeared. Upon hearing the good news, the homeopaths were delighted and instructed to discontinue the ‘rather potent’ remedy. Now they plan to publish the case in Peter Fisher’s journal ‘Homeopathy’.

The Prince showed himself even more delighted and told a reporter that he “had always known how incredibly powerful homeopathy is.” He added that he has already written to Health Secretary Hunt about homeopathy on the NHS, “it is high time that the NHS employs more homeopathy”, Charles said, “it would save us all a lot of money and might even solve the NHS’s current financial problems with one single stroke.”

The Faculty of Homeopathy is preparing a statement about this event, and the homeopathic pharmacy Ainsworth allegedly is considering marketing a new range of remedies called ROADKILL. The Society of Homeopaths feels somewhat left out but stated that “homeopathy is very powerful and should really be in the hands of professional homeopaths.” A group of homeopathic vets declared that they could have saved the deer, if they had had access to the animal and added “homeopathy works in animals, and therefore it cannot be a placebo.”

Everyone at Balmoral and beyond seems reasonably happy (perhaps not the deer). However, this does not include the local car mechanics charged with the repair of the Audi. They were reported to lack empathy and knowledge about ‘integrative, holistic body work’. Their opposition to following orders went as far as refusing to repair the car according to homeopathic principles: sprinkling ‘Deer C30’, as the new remedy is now called, on the car’s bonnet.