MD, PhD, FMedSci, FSB, FRCP, FRCPEd

You have to admit, quacks had a difficult time recently:

  • homeopathy has been disclosed as humbug,
  • chiropractic is not much better,
  • ‘acupuncture awareness week’ left acupuncturists bruised…

Need I go on?

One has to pity these guys; their income is dwindling; they have no pensions, no unions to protect them etc., they know nothing other than quackery…what can they do? They are clearly fighting for survival.

I suggest we all focus, use our imagination and come up with come constructive ideas to help them.

Alright, I start: HOLISTIC DOPING

The fate of the poor (not in a monetary sense, of course) tennis star Sharapova gave me that brainwave.

Our elite athletes are in a pickle: they feel the need to enhance their performance but more and more ways of achieving this with cleverly administered drugs are becoming illegal. Their livelihood is at stake almost as much as that of our dear quacks.

What if the two groups jointed forces?

What if they decided to help solve each others’ problems?

This could be a classical win/win situation!

I am sure homeopaths, chiropractors, acupuncturists etc. could design holistic program for improving athletic performance. It would be highly individualised and embrace body, mind, spirit, sole and anything else they can think of. It could include the newest concepts in quantum healing, energy field, qi, vital force, etc. The advantages are obvious, I think:

  • none of these interventions will ever be found on a list of forbidden drugs,
  • the program will work perfectly well because it will generate large placebo responses,
  • performance will therefore increase (as always in alternative medicine, anecdotal ‘evidence’ will suffice) ,
  • and so will the quacks’ cash flow.

Is there a downside? Not really…oh, hold on…yes there is!

My idea is not that original; others have had it already. In fact, there are quite a few quacks offering alternatives to good old-fashioned doping.

THAT’S THE AWFUL THING ABOUT QUACKERY: ALL THE GOOD IDEAS TURN OUT TO BE ALREADY TAKEN!

10 Responses to HOLISTIC DOPING: an idea that could make quacks rich

  • Homeopathic diets. Replace all those nasty carbohydrates/proteins/fats with shaken water. Guaranteed to work.

  • Good idea. In fact, I drink too much, so I’m thinking of turning to homeopathic booze, as in the Mitchell and Webb ‘homeopathy’ film on Youtube. Just one droplet of homeopathic ‘beer tincture’ in a pint of water, repeat the process 35 times or whatever, succuss it, then invite the lads round. Completely bladdered all evening.In fact bring the whole town. I’ll have forgotten who I am by then.

  • A bit tangential, but I think you’ll like this.

    A few years ago, Australian cyclist Mark French was banned for using and trafficking Testicomp, a product claimed by its manufacturer to contain banned performance-enhancing substance corticosteroid.

    He was later exonerated by the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) whose judgement said there was no scientific evidence that the Testicomp French had admitted to using contained a prohibited substance. Testicomp is claimed to be a homeopathic corticosteroid preparation.

    CAS said: “An admission to use of Testicomp does not amount to an admission that there has been use of a prohibited substrance unless the product used is shown by chemical analysis to contain that which it purports to contain by its product leaflet.”

    Of course, being a homeopathic preparation, the Testicomp contained nothing performance-enhancing and all French was guilty of was gullibility.

    http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/mark-french-cleared/

    • if corticosteroids enhance performance, this product of homeopathic corticosteroids should reduce performance. the athlete should have sued the manufacturer for not winning the competition.

  • This ‘holistic practitioner’ has a pretty good handle on novel forms of woo. From ‘Quantum Life’ to ‘Frequency Specific Microcurrent’ to SRC4U — a “qi enhancement software program”. This lady can even diagnose your food intolerances via Skype (only £35 a pop).

    The SRC4U program does a lot of rebalancing and can balance “32,000 emotions normally caused by stress”. Sadly, a small disclaimer at the foot of the page tells us “The SRC4U does not heal or cure anything. At no time should inferences be made that it will cure disease or illness.” If only all snakeoil merchants were prepared to make such a candid admission!

    • Frank, You have reminded me of the Silent Healing CD [audio Compact Disc] that is purported to contain over 34000 homeopathic remedies, which surely makes it the ultimate panacea.

      I can’t recall any homeopaths, or any organisation of homeopaths, attempting to ban it from being advertised and sold. Not really surprising considering that 16-bit digital audio consisting of complete silence is indistinguishable from the summed efficacy of 34000, 12C and beyond potentized, homeopathic remedies.

      • Pete-Transfer the CD to disc, and play it at 33 1/3 rpm. This ‘dilutes’ the silence, and makes it more effective. Even better if you repeat the procedure several times. Be careful when ‘succussing’ the disc though, as it may break.

        • Barrie, I’d never thought about your wonderful idea of transcribing the digital recording to vinyl discs at a replay speed of 33 1/3 rpm. Perhaps we should launch a kick-starter project to fund it. Let’s be honest, playing this vinyl record in nightclubs across the globe would indeed result in a huge response from the audience, which would constitute incontrovertible replicated empirical evidence that homeopathy does actually dramatically change both the physiological and the psychological state of its recipients 🙂

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