MD, PhD, FMedSci, FRSB, FRCP, FRCPEd

Each year, during the Christmas period, we are bombarded with religious ideology, soapy sentimentality and delusive festive cheer. In case you are beginning to feel slightly nauseous about all this, it might be time to counter-balance this abundance with my (not entirely serious) version of the ’10 commandments of quackery’?

  1. You must not use therapies other than those recommended by your healer – certainly nothing that is evidence-based!
  2. You must never doubt what your healer tells you; (s)he embraces the wisdom of millennia combined with the deep insights of post-modernism – and is therefore beyond doubt.
  3. You must happily purchase all the books, gadgets, supplements etc. your healer offers for sale. For more merchandise, you must frequent your local health food shops. Money is no object!
  4. You must never read scientific literature; it is the writing of evil. The truth can only be found by studying the texts recommended by your healer.
  5. You must never enter into discussions with sceptics or other critical thinkers; they are wicked and want to destroy your well-being.
  6. You must do everything in your power to fight the establishment, Big Pharma, their dangerous drugs and vicious vaccines.
  7. You must support Steiner Schools, Prince Charles and other enlightened visionaries so that the next generation is guided towards the eternal light.
  8. You must detox regularly to eliminate the ubiquitous, malignant poisons of Satan.
  9. You must blindly, unreservedly and religiously believe in vitalism, quantum medicine, vibrational energy and all other concepts your healer relies upon.
  10. You must denounce, vilify, aggress and attack anyone who disagrees with the gospel of your healer.

10 Responses to ‘The 10 commandments of quackery’

  • and… You Shall Get Better!

    If you don’t, clearly it was your own fault, and we’ll ignore you anyway.

  • You forgot Commandment Zero:
    0. To be a healer/guru you must suffer an injury, go on a quest through allopathic medicine without finding a cure, then have an epiphany, cure yourself, then go on a mission to bring the ground breaking, unique, never before seen procedure to the world!

  • You must tell everyone you know that the healer’s methods work.

  • And for Xmas: 300 grams of ORGANIC HIGHLAND ALL BUTTER SHORTBREAD by DUCHY ORIGINALS, the obviously non-profit driven charity of Prince Charles, for the mere trifle of CAD 19.99 plus tax. Don’t you dare go to Dollarama!

  • 11. ​Seek ye the Lord Woo through his servant Health Shoppe lady and the miracle of ‘Buy Two Get One Free​’ for thrice the cure.

  • Some others

    1) Einstein was bad at math (never mind that he was better at it than the majority of people alive).
    2) Not everything can be measured.
    3) Science is just one way of knowing.
    4) They are out to get us.
    5) Energy… whatever it is, it has to do with energy, meridians, zones, chakras, spirits, or the ubiquitous Sky Fairy of Doom.
    6) If you can’t explain it, it must have something to do with quantum mechanics.
    7) A study concluded that X works because of this or does this; never mind that the study’s conclusion directly contradicts the results, there were no controls, the sampling was screwed to begin with, and the people reading the study can’t do high school algebra.
    8) True = Not True.
    9) It all depends on your perception. Facts are irrelevant.
    10) Do anything to avoid having to tackle hard subjects that require critical thinking (Don’t pop my bubble!)

  • “ubiquitous, malignant poisons of Satan”

    hahahahaha

    I hope someday they learn that´s a name for every chemical.

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