MD, PhD, FMedSci, FRSB, FRCP, FRCPEd

I am delighted to report that my invitation to contribute AT FAPs was successful! Some readers did indeed cotton on and submitted their funny satire and bizarre absurdities – oddly enough, they are all homeopathic by nature. If you like to know more about the idea of AT FAPs, please see here. And do not forget: if you want me to continue with this feature, keep your alt med satire coming!

AT FAP No 4 (sent in by an anonymous reader)

You’ve heard or Gerson but now we can reveal Dyson therapy!

The well established and long-proven facts of homeopathy – that like cures like, ultra diluted solutions of nothing are incredibly potent medicines, Hahnemann can’t be wrong etc. have, of course revolutionised our world view.  Nothing substantial had changed in homeopathy for 200 years, until now!  Vacuous homeopaths have now discovered an amazing breakthrough- Dyson therapy. After extensive research one afternoon, they have made a breakthrough that will rock the world and clean your carpet.

Some homeopaths believe that ultra diluted water contains silica that is remarkably similar to that found in the glass vessels it is prepared in. Vacuous homeopaths have found a way to reduce the content of the water still further, indeed eliminate it completely!

Using the principle of like cures like, a material is chosen for its powerful homeopathic effects,  and ground up in a small amount of water and/or alcohol until it turns into a paste or solution. Now here’s the science bit- it is then smeared on the floor. After being allowed to dry for precisely 3.4 minutes (trust us) it is then vacuumed up! This amazing breakthrough allows the nano-bollock essence of the material to be firmly trapped within the vacuum cleaner, but here is the genius part-as air is drawn over it the nano-bollock material is infinitely diluted. No need for complicated machines you can do this yourself at home. Vacuous homeopaths have found that the vacuum cleaner has to be tapped on the floor during the process, or for a far more potent effect on the head of a sceptic (we call this concussion). It has to be tapped a precise number of times, the number is decided by the current cost in pence of a avocado pear, this in scientific terms is known as the avocado number  -trust us it works!

We now have a homeopathic remedy inside the cleaner. The patient takes a tube from the cleaner applies it to their mouth * and vacuums out all those nasty miasmas  whilst simultaneously increasing the potency of the homeopathic preparation by yet further dilution.  But that’s not all! Dyson therapy removes harmful mercury vapour from your fillings, this is truly miraculous.

Until now vacuous homeopaths have argued that homeopathy  has no side effects effects. Sceptics have argued this is because it contains nothing does nothing and is worth nothing. Vacuous homeopaths have now found side effects, after all when you prepare the ultimate vacuum potencies we are dealing with the strongest medicine in the universe. Side effects include blisters of the lips and mouth, ruptured lungs and feelings of intense stupidity.

* Some experiments with Dyson therapy have been abandoned due to penile injury, but an exciting new avenue of research – anal Dyson therapy is being intensively studied, this combined with coffee enemas is an exciting new wake up call for homepathy. So far results have shown that homeopaths are full of shit.

Disclaimer: I do not own shares in Dyson, and am in no way associated with the company – Big Pharma wouldn’t let me. Other brands of vacuum cleaner are available.

AT FAP No5 (sent in by Norbert Aust)

German scientist succeeded in creating the ultimate homeopathic remedy: Vinum Christi C200! This remedy combines strong beliefs and ancient wisdom from christianity with the more recent scientific achievements of current homeopathy.

Details on the procedure are not clear yet, but the scientist (name known to the edotor) succeeded in building an entanglement with the the molecules of Our Lord’s last goblet of wine that today can be found in any glass of water. By banging his head on the wall he could successfully succuss just these molecules and could build a very powerful mother tincture. Further potentization yielded a very strong remedy, much more powerful than any of the current homeopathic alcoholic dilutions. It took only one tiny drop of this solution to turn a bottle of Scotch whisky into a very efficacious tincture outperforming any of our Lord’s wines or what you would expect of todays wines. In fact, the proving got a little out of control, but the effects could be witnessed nevertheless. It seems a perfect medicine for headaches, vertigo, nausea, general pain and feeling of being sick, difficulties in eye focus and speech, turns of general love and hate of the world in total. Many more symptoms expected to be found in further provings.

The scientist – after he recovered fronm the proving – made it a point, that the preparation of the mother tincture requires much experience and personality. The beginner might well end up entangled with the wrong molecules in his glass of water (like the donkey’s first pee after he carried our Lord to Jerusalem), which may lead to unpredictable results when proving the final compound.

Adress any inquiries for marketing of this medicine to the editor who will forward it to the scientist.

3 Responses to ALTERNATIVE TRUTHS FROM ANOTHER PLANET (AT FAPs): part two

  • Sheer brilliance! I’d love to see a homeopath try to prove these remedies are less efficacious than their own 🙂

    I need to report a very measurable reaction to FAP No4: convulsive fits of laughter followed a while later by severely aching chuckle muscles. If I have nightmares about anal Dyson therapy should I keep them to myself, or should I report them to the Society of Homeopaths or to Prince Charles?

    We’ve finally figured out to transform homeopathy into a 21st century efficacious panacea: ruthlessly take the piss out of it whenever we feel unwell.

  • The penultimate remedy. (A true account, not a satiric confabulation).

    Somehow, homeopathy is the ultimate joke. I guess thats why people choose it for satirical examples of CAM?
    I have come across stories and records of the most peculiar remedies made out of anything from cowdung and houseflies to the light from Saturn but I did not in my wildest dreams think that anyone would ever come up with making a remedy out of the essence of life on earth, homeopathy’s most important inactive(?) ingredient, its very own carrier substance… PURE WATER!

    I had thought it would be a great idea to write up a little satiric story to enter into Edzard’s latest project.
    My idea was to tell a story about taking water and thinning it with more water until none of the original water was left. Would that not be the penultimate homeopathic panacea? Water thinned into oblivion in more water must be the cure-all?

    How utterly mistaken I was, in thinking I had come up with an original idea.

    Such a remedy has already been made and proven.

    To obtain absolutely pure, virgin water the team of experts made it themselves. They call it “Newly formed water” or rather “Aqua Novum” to make it sound pro I guess.
    They actually separated water into hydrogen and oxygen by electrolysis and then set fire to the mixture. Luckily for them they did not blow their heads off. Not that time at least. They collected the water that formed as a result of the combustion and used the Korsakovian method to potentize it to 30C. They seem to have forgotten to tell what they used for the thinnings, water or alcohol, but I guess it does not matter much.
    Then they gave the stuff to people to try out. Thats called “proving” and is how you test new remedies. All and any symptoms experienced after ingesting it are taken as signs of the effect of the remedy.
    The actual records of the provings are there for anyone to enjoy at:
    http://www.hominf.org/aquanova/aqnofr.htm (The proving records are under “Materia Medica”).
    That is if you enjoy reading an endless lists of anything from the quality of the provers stools or their sexual feelings to long accounts of their dreams.
    The eleven ladies and 2 men have, during several weeks or months, minutely catalogued their symptomatic experiences after taking a 30C potency of diluted water.
    I often wonder if they select the most weak minded and neurotic subjects available for these provings? At least that is the impression I get when I read such records of provings.
    Here are a couple of random (honestly) examples:

    All afternoon I have been exquisitely sensitive to noise. I cannot bear the noise of the television or (what seems to me to be) the very loud voices of my children. I am constantly telling everyone to be quiet and turn the TV down. When there are two different sources of noise at the same time, there is an unbearable cacophony inside my head.

    There feels a real inability to communicate, to make contact, this feels very alien to me, I feel like there is an outer force interfering, blocking, like walking along a wall of mirrors, and you aren’t even able to make out your own form, things you know are distorted to your own eyes.

    Must be potent stuff that Dihydrogen Oxide?

    I had the computer count words and characters in the proving records: 22.259 words, 94016 characters not counting spaces!
    I gave up on finding something about what the stuff should be used for. If it has helped anyone I have no idea. I guess it can be a good first aid for drowning, dont you think?

    The truth is often more hilarious than fiction.

    Oh, I almost forgot to give due credit. The masterminds behind this magnificent work (drumroll):
    Misha Norland of The School of Homeopathy http://www.homeopathyschool.com/
    and
    Peter Fraser http://www.homoeopathist.info/

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